Where were the Guardians of the Galaxy when we needed them? If only they had prevented the disastrous atrocity that is "Jupiter Ascending" from infiltrating Earth's movie theaters before it was too late!
A lot of people spent a lot of time and a lot of money making a lot of movie, but there's not much there.
The Wachowskis create a churning, swooping C.G.I. universe that's decorated to the corners of the frame without taste or imagination.
Don't even get me started on the aliens, many of whom would have been turned away from the cantina door in Mos Eisley.
Jupiter Ascending is inane from first frame to last - the dialogue is so clunky, I wondered if George Lucas had been brought in to do the rewrite.
Upon exiting, my wearied delight with Jupiter Ascending coexisted with pure bafflement. But I exited knowing that I'd seen a movie no other filmmaker could have made.
This movie often plays like a super-expensive, 21st-century version of one of those "Star Wars" knockoffs made around 1980 by people who weren't George Lucas.
Jupiter Ascending's early cleverness dries up quickly, especially when Kunis is offscreen, leaving us with just another incoherent sci-fi spectacle.
This kind of pandering FX padding, unnurtured by humor or heart, is what shifts Jupiter Ascending from a shambles to a fiasco. The Wachowskis wind up where you never expected to find them creatively: on the ropes.