Zantara Xenophobe
NOTE: This review has SPOILERSThe 'sword & sorcery' genre had been around for many years, but it was 1982's 'Conan the Barbarian' that really gave the genre another big push, sparking all sorts of imitators, some good but most bad. By 1989, the revival was pretty much dead, with late stragglers like 'Time Barbarians' and 'Barbarian Queen II' embarrassing themselves upon entry. That said, there's something about the genre that has an appeal no matter how generic the product might be. Maybe it's the uniqueness of the time frame and setting, allowing for escapism from the modern times, or maybe it's the ability to have at its disposal all sorts of interesting ways to move a story thanks to elements of fantasy, adventure, and magic. That's why I watched 'Avalon', since I am a sucker for such things. I could not have prepared myself for what it would actually turn out to be. The movie starts with what any red-blooded American (or, in this case, British) sword & sorcery flick would start with: a virgin sacrifice by druids! (Note to self: Avoid druids at all costs!) Along comes our muscular main hero, Owen (Stephen Harris), who frees a captured thief and the damsel in distress from the druids in a very laughable fight scene, resulting in the trio fleeing to the shoreline. That's where we learn about them: Owen is a warrior from a distant land that is searching for the mysterious island of Avalon, said to be a limbo for dead souls and ruled by an enchantress named Morgana (Debbi Stevens). Legend has it that the corpse of King Arthur had been taken there to rest "until the world needs him again". We learn MUCH later that this means if the sword Excalibur is placed in the dead King Arthur's hands his ghost will wipe out all the magic in the world. The rescued woman is Clotilde (Abigail Blackmore), who is also seeking Avalon as her beloved Edwin went there to also find King Arthur and never returned. The thief is named Keiran (Rob Bartlett), and he decides to tag along in the quest because he's got nothing better to do, and to get his hands on the treasures of Avalon. While chatting on the beach, they are overheard by none other than Merlin the Magician, who offers to help them in their journey. At first it was hard to tell what was wrong with Merlin when I first laid eyes on him. It seemed like a bad makeup job, but then I realized that the actor (Patrick Olliver) was wearing a bad old man mask, hence why his mouth was not moving when he spoke and it appeared he had no eyeballs. Using his magic, Merlin turns himself into a strapping young man. He later says he can only hold this form for a short time, but he doesn't actually switch back until the end of the movie, which is the first of many signs that Merlin is just full of it. Owen spies a boat on the shore and suggests taking it to the island, but Merlin uses magic to make the boat vanish, claiming it is a trap set by Morgana to lure them to the island (which makes no sense . . . after all, the DO want to go to the island!). Merlin instead suggests that they SWIM to the faraway island. Once there, Merlin departs, saying he has something he has to do. That something is to visit the Lady of the Lake to retrieve Excalibur. Merlin and the Lady were once a romantic item, and Merlin sleeps with her before continuing on his quest, obviously feeling no need of urgency in the matter. The Lady of the Lake says that Merlin may have the sword provided he returns it and he himself must remain with her forever, spoken like it was some awful final destination. I think any elderly man would be ecstatic for such an eternity. While Merlin is fooling around, Morgana's minions quickly capture Clotilde and make her a mindless slave. Owen and Keiran plan on rescuing her by entering a fighting tournament Morgana just happens to be holding. This leads to scenes of Morgana and her female apprentices trying to seduce our heroes in between fights. Merlin eventually shows up, inserts himself into the tournament, and uses magic to instantly cheat his way through. This leads to more scenes of the heroes, this time Merlin included, getting seduced before some more chicanery involving sword fighting, lame magic, and an absolutely silly climax. There is a lot more absurdity going on than I am willing to divulge. While my heart goes out to the filmmakers that were really trying with their $75 budget, I can't help but call a spade a spade. This is a movie to sit down with friends so you can point and laugh at it. Zantara's score: 1 out of 10
