Chance_Boudreaux19
Before this I considered End of a Gun, Birdemic and Picasso Trigger to be the unholy trinity of the worst movies with no redeeming qualities but this one beat all of them to rise to the top (or drop down to the bottom in this case). Now, I rate movies in terms of enjoyment and I despise the term guilty pleasure because I love a ton of bad or cheesy movies and don't feel guilty about my love for them, I will sing the praises of Samurai Cop or Miami Connection for days if given the chance. However this one is trash, it's not so bad it's good, it's just truly and absolutely awful in every sense. I watched this in the right setting; with a friend and we both love bad movies but it was just painful to watch this garbage. We might've gotten a few chuckles out of it but for most of it we were bored out of our minds and started talking about everything else but the movie half an hour in. Afterwards we were both so resigned we contemplated giving movies altogether a break for a while but we planned to watch more and luckily the next movie which was Breakin' made us regain faith in movies and schlock. I see a lot of people loving this movie and saying it's funny and one of the best bad movies of all time and I wish I felt about it that way but instead all I feel is PTSD when I think about going back and sitting through this steaming pile of agonizing filth again.
samthecam
So you saw Troll 2 and you thought "hahaha, this is amazingly bad, the acting and the script are so terrible, nothing makes sense." Well Things is like bad movie 2.0. Literally everything about the movie is utterly incompetent, from the makeup and prosthetics, to the cinematography and sound mixing. The only real question is where to begin, so to make this easier I'm going to go through every element of the movie and discuss it.Plot: The plot of Things is extremely simple, but handled so incompetently that it turns into the most difficult to follow film since Primer. Halfway through it I realised I had no idea what was going on and why, and why any of the characters where acting in these baffling ways, but the film just continued. It very rarely stops to explain what is happening, and when it does it just gets more confusing. For example, about a third of a way through the movie, one of the characters seemingly explodes (for no reason), firing blood all over another characters shirt. Later on the protagonist hears a noise that somehow signifies that not only did character 1 not explode, he's gone to get help. What kind of noise would signify this? Where did the blood come from? How did the character just vanish? Why didn't he say he was going? This film raises many questions, none of which are answered ever. The filmmakers must be utterly mental, to look at the script and think "yep, this is cohesive and makes sense."Script: As was mentioned earlier the entire thing is impossible to follow, their are cutaways that have nothing to do with the rest of the film, scenes (I'm looking at you newsroom scenes) that are completely unnecessary, but perhaps the most baffling thing of all is the characters. The three main characters all share one trait, and that is that they love to goof around and play zany pranks, but these pranks are played at such inappropriate times that you begin to question the sanity of the characters, although you'd do that anyway. After the Things are born and eat a secondary characters wife the reaction of our three heroes is "Oh no, better get back to the kitchen." And here they sit, telling nonsensical jokes like "how do you get paper children? F*ck a bag lady," and completely failing to do anything about the encroaching menace. This is there sole character trait, and it's one that makes no sense and is totally inappropriate. Acting: Poor across the board, not a single ounce of emotion is brought across by the actors across the entirety of the movie.Cinematography: The cinematography fails largely due to the mental editing, but one hilarious scene stands out. As the characters sit around their table, the once bright light suddenly fades to be ever so slightly dimmer. "Oh no, looks like the lights have gone out," says our protagonist, as he sits in a brightly lit area, the light clearly showing off the characters irritation at this sudden lack of vision.Music and sound: The music could not be more tonally out of place if it was ripped from an episode of Barney the purple Dinosaur, but the audio of the characters lines is baffling. It is badly dubbed over, and the difference between what they originally recorded and what they dubbed over is as obvious as a brick to the skull. The sound is terribly mixed, with some scenes being totally silent except for some music, and others having the loudest dialogue ever.Makeup and prosthetics: This is the only area where the movie is even semi competent, although no real praise is forthcoming. The only positive is at least they had prosthetics, and they did make me feel sick, but only because of how terrible they were. They look hideous, in both senses of the word, both fake and disgusting. Towards the end I was genuinely beginning to feel sick, because of how horrible it all was.Monsters: The "THINGS" do not move. They sit there and look horrible, and then are occasionally pushed along or placed at strategic points to give the illusion that they are attacking someone. At the very least they are not scary in the slightest.As horrible and incompetent as things is, I can't hate it. I was fully entertained the whole way through, because my mind was desperately struggling to understand what on earth was going on. I would totally recommend you watch it, but you'd better be ready for confusion
Tromafreak
That score! That dialogue! That awkward pointlessness! What in hell happened here? In similar situations, I usually half-jokingly say "I don't even want to know". But in this case, I really, really wanna know! For whatever reason this movie ended up like it did, it was definitely intentional. It didn't take a long time to figure that out. Somehow, that doesn't take away at all from how completely insane and random this movie is! It's like Troll 2, or Horror House On Highway Five, with maybe a little Zombie '90 thrown in. Exactly! That's the kinda odd I'm talking' about, here. Which makes me wonder How in the hell could I have gone as long as I did without seeing it? That's the part that gets me the most. And by the way, I adore this film. Mainly because I can watch it a thousand times and still have no idea what's going on. Now, that's what I call rewatch value! Whilst searching for next awesome B-movie for my collection, this is the kinda thing I'm always hoping to eventually unearth. It rarely happens, which makes it all the more satisfying once it does. Such a disasterpiece, that Things truly is a masterpiece. A masterpiece of the odd, the surreal, and the confusing. Why can't Troma ever release stuff like this? I'm gonna watch this movie so many times, it ain't even funny! And not to mention the recently released DVD offers two audio commentary tracks. There's gotta be something in one of those which offers some sort of an explanation. Although, if there isn't, somehow, I won't be surprised. If you like 'em bad in all the right ways, this confused Super-8 epic is nothing short of a beautiful experience... Oh! And yeah. I did notice how I said absolutely nothing about a plot. Trust me. It makes no difference. 10/10
Sean Moore
I literally got a headache trying to finish this movie upon first viewing but then I watched it again and again. Then I started to laugh so hard i cried. When I returned it to the video store (yes kiddies a video store this one is too bad for DVD) I had to buy it. This is beyond the worst movie ever made but it is also one of my favourites, because it is soooo bad! Much like the other posts, when people try to tell me what the worst movie ever made is I quickly bring out my copy of THINGS! There is too many bad things about this film to type so if you want a real treat search this one out! Trust me you will have to struggle through it the first couple of times but it becomes so laughable you will love it! P.S. If anyone out there knows where I can pick up a copy of Barry's follow up, "Wicked World" please let me know. I am now an addict!
